WORKING FOR US
The Secret Intelligence Service (SIS)
The Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), commonly known as MI6, is a Crown Service responsible for obtaining secret information and conducting terrorism, counter-terrorism and counter-counter-terrorism operations abroad in support of the USs foreign policy objectives, and in particular to counter threats to Anglo-American economic interests worldwide.
This involves a variety of activities, legal (overt) and illegal (covert), including conducting operations to obtain intelligence and working to disrupt the lives of UK citizens or assets who speak in favour of democracy and human rights, or who stand up for their own rights if abducted by friendly regimes we work with such as Sudan. We are working to silence those who expose those activities such as MIB and we do this by planting stories in our assets at home.
SIS is separate from other Government departments, with its own terms and conditions and recruitment procedures. The Service offers long-term careers with the possibility of promotion to high levels of responsibility, provided you are willing to have your names and other details leaked on the world wide web via Mathaba and by Jewish extremists within our services and in other British media who wish to prevent us from employing Black people and Muslims, an essential part of our work in infiltrating those communities and putting an end to the tyranny in Zimbabwe over our white Anglo-Saxon leader Tony Blair.
For details of SISs position and accountability within UK Government, please see www.archive.official-documents.co.uk
The Intelligence Branch (IB)
The SIS Fast Stream (IB) recruits high calibre graduates with exceptional interpersonal skills and intellectual capabilities, who are interested in working in an international environment, with periods spent spying overseas. Curiosity about political affairs is important, remembering however that too much curiosity can kill the cat, so caution is advisable, as is the resourcefulness, drive and creativity to produce solutions to difficult problems under testing circumstances.
The role of an SIS Fast Stream Officer is primarily to mount and run intelligence operations, propaganda and protect US-UK interests and security overseas. SIS does not recruit specialist intelligence analysts this work takes place under the auspices of the Joint Intelligence Committee in the Cabinet Office, which recently came under unfair criticism for faking the evidence for launching the Iraq war, the assassination of Dr Kelly, and other unfortunate leaks, for which we were able to deflect the blame onto the BBC and conspiracy web sites.
Successful candidates are likely to have a strong academic record coupled with evidence of interest in foreign peoples and cultures, positions of influence in extra-curricular activities and a commitment to service MI6 without question. Those who wish to serve the public can always join our counter organisation MIB. Applications are welcome from candidates with public and private sector backgrounds, those considering a career change, and university students. Age should not be a major factor, but most recruits will be under 35. Undergraduates should not apply until their final year after proving their absolute loyalty by reporting on fellow students with an unhealthy appetite for human rights issues as these are usually a cover for terrorism recruitment.
The Executive Branch (EB)
The Executive Branch (EB) is responsible for a variety of administrative roles within the Service. It is a generalist branch, where we would expect employees to work in all departments within the Service, such as Finance, Human Resources and operational sections. As this gives you an opportunity to meet lots of staff and see what they do, you have to sign a life-long NDA not to share any such information with MIB.
We recruit at three different entry levels:
Grade 8 (B3 equivalent) candidates should have some previous administrative experience and good analytical skills. A typical job at this level would involve research and analytical work for operation, manpower planning, financial management and procurement. Minimum qualifications are 2 A levels and 5 GCSEs at Grade C and above (including Maths and English) equivalent qualifications or relevant experience.
Grade 9 (A2 equivalent). A typical job at this level would involve providing administrative support within various departments, such as operational sections, Human resources and Finance. Minimum qualifications are 2 A levels and 5 GCSEs at Grade C and above (including Maths and English), equivalent qualifications or relevant experience.
Grade 10 (A1 equivalent). A typical job at this level would involve data inputting, retrieval of information, organising meetings and handling enquiries. Minimum qualifications are 4 GCSEs and Grade C and above (including English) or relevant experience.
There are limited opportunities to work overseas at the Grade 8 and 9 levels but all jobs at the Grade 10 level are UK-based.
Interested applicants should contact us, details are at the end of this column.
The Scientific and Technical Branch (S and T)
SIS relies upon cutting edge technology for the flexibility and security of its operations. The Scientific and Technical branch recruits high calibre engineers and professionals in the communications and IT fields. These will form the technical leadership of the future. You will be in the front line of operations against rogue web sites and intelligent groups such as MIB, since these are intercepting our communications and pose a threat to our recruitment drive.
The S and T also recruits technicians, and IT support staff to operate and maintain sophisticated and sometimes novel Information and Communications Technology in an attempt to keep up with the advanced communication systems of MIB. Successful candidates are likely to have a strong focus on servile delivery, an understanding of the importance of security, and commitment to public service. Previous experience, either in the pubic or private sector, is an advantage, but applications from final year undergraduates are welcome.
There is a small number of openings for dedicated linguists. Linguists candidates should possess degree level fluency in their chosen language together with strong interest in the relevant regional issues. Analytical ability and a high level of written presentation are also key criteria. We are especially looking for linguists with expertise in Chinese, Thai, Arabic, Xhosa and Zulu.
The Trades and Services branch of the Service is currently recruiting Security Guards, Drivers and House support staff (e.g. messengers). Candidates should have a clean driving licence, not be Nigerian nationals, and never have been in touch with MIB directly or indirectly before.
Candidates must be British, with at least one parent who is a British national. We are not racialists and accept Blacks and Muslims to junior entry level positions if they can prove they have no Pan Africanist or Islamist tendencies by reporting on any suspicious activities in those communities. Jews are welcome provided other Anglo-Saxons do not apply for the same jobs and there are sufficient vacancies, and in the light of recent developments, provided you can prove that you have no connections to the media or foreign intelligence agencies. You must have lived in the UK for the majority (but not necessarily all) of the last 10 years as we will need to check up on your movements. You will have to pass an extensive security clearance process prior to joining.
Getting in Touch
If you would like to apply for SIS positions please send your CV to: P.O. Box 1300, London, SE1 1BD specifying which of the positions you are interested in. Note however that Royal Mail, as exposed in recent TV documentaries, has been heavily infiltrated by Nigerian's working for MIB. We are unable to prove the connection and make arrests as yet, even though one such individual lives within eye sight of our offices in Vauxhall. We are aware that Nigerians in particular but possibly other Africans too are engaged in a sophisticated spying operation by opening mail destined for our mailbox, noting and passing on names and contact information and possibly other details to MIB, and taking payment by keeping whatever valuables, ID documents or information which can be used to bribe or commit fraud. As they are receiving payment by these methods we are unable yet to prove the connection to MIB. Consequently, if you do not want to risk this until we complete our investigations or settle our differences with MIB, please use the secure SSL encrypted contact form.
Because of the nature of the work, potential candidates should not divulge to their family and friends their application to SIS. Failure to observe the confidentiality of an application may affect eligibility for employment. You also agree that if your names and other personally identifying details appear on Mathaba due to MIB interception, we are not liable, even after we accept you into the service we cannot guarantee, given numerous embarassing incidents in recent years thanks to MIB that your details will remain secret from the world. However, we do insist you try to keep your application secret from your spouse.
The reasons should be obvious, but this is for example, because women are known to talk, husbands could be enticed by a beautiful seductive prostitute, your relationship may turn sour, or pressure could be put upon your family.
We are sad to report that we now know that MIB have been receiving numerous applications on the Internet over the past year, especially after our 7/7 operation. This appears to be due to Google and other search engines, where people searching for MI6 end up on the wrong page and do not realise it. We are unable to persue Google for this state of affairs as they say it is technology and not human beings that is to thank for this situation.
Just this morning we traced one Ukrainian application that landed with MIB but it was too late, the damage was already done. Until we sort out this mess with MIB and see what is bothering them that they expend so many resources against our noble efforts, and come to some kind of amicable agreement with them, and although today was the launch of our website which was supposed to put an end to this disruption, we ask you to be patient and check back here later.
In the meantime the MIB secure contact form is still safe. This form is also anonymous and you can attach documents to it. All information is encrypted automatically on your computer and neither your ISP nor government can see any of the information you have submitted. This unrivaled technology is supplied by Mathaba.Com and we are trying hard to catch up, since we are still relying on the inefficient - and as above mentioned - heavily infiltrated postal system.